The Strike

Today I woke to discover that the world decided to shift ever so slightly more out of whack than normal. This discovery was initially found out when my right arm and my left arm, neither being very happy with their place in life, decided to switch sides. This may not have been a big deal because I am ambidextrous, yet, did pose quite a problem because they ended up facing the wrong way. To my pleasant surprise however, it did make for much easier back scratching.

I am presently in negations with these appendages to return to their god given posts. Their demands are rather high. The left arm is requesting daily massages from a playboy playmate. I have informed him that this request is considered sexist and no court in the country would uphold his request. The right arm is demanding a tattoo of the arm-n-hammer logo, his personal hero.

This does not bood well for the remainder of my appendages. Rumor has it that my legs and ears are considering a time share situation.

A Warning

Please. This is of vital importance! We are about to become under attack. Yes attack! Our ultimate demise is near at hand unless we prepare ourselves now. Who is attacking? Why? How? When? And do I have enough time for one more quick game of solitaire? These are the questions I am sure you are asking yourself. To answer them let me start at the beginning:

Several million years ago, I am not exactly sure when. Hey I have enough trouble remembering my anniversary with my girlfriend…but I digress…several million years ago a peaceful alien race landed on earth in the area we now call Italy. Their mission was to make contact with the local inhabitants and ask to borrow some sugar (their need for sugar will become apparent soon). As it would happen these tiny little fellows went on searching for locals, possibly while signing a revoltingly cute song. When to their horror a stampede of hairy, smelly, bipeds came charging towards them. At first these defenseless little creatures thought that the ugly looking mammals where rushing to greet them. But alas no. They were chasing after a hopping ball of fur. During this horrid display of bad motor skills and grunting one of the large beasts fell on top of the heroic band of little aliens. When he stood up again he noticed soft little yellow splotches all over his butt. He pulled off one and after smelling it (as the males of this species often does) he shoved it into his mouth (also another little habit that the female of the species finds rather disgusting). And found that it was sweet and tasty. He then began eating all the little aliens. Even as they squirmed for freedom the human chopped down on their little heads.

They cried out in vane only to say…

PEEP. PEEP.

And so the little marshmallow Peeps were introduced to humans.

But that is just the beginning. As the human finished the last peep that was stuck to his ass his craving increased. And he searched for more. Alas, he found a lone survivor. In an effort to save its own life the Peep began miming to the human beast that he could make more. Little did the Peep know the hell he was creating for himself. But do have some pity on him. He did just watch his friends, his brother, and his great uncle Peep, twice removed (and once beheaded) get eating alive by a giant mellow-less mass of human.

After several hours, and a great deal of "Peeping" the little fellow explained the breeding process of the peeps. Sugar…water…etc…stir and voila…PEEPS. All you can eat. And that was a lot. So the human took the little fellow captive and in his cave began making more…and more. At first the little peeps were feisty and would run away (creating an underground peep rescue operation that still runs today). So the human began experimenting with a method of paralyzing the peeps. He would squish them, crush them, burn them, boil them. Nothing worked to his satisfaction. But then he found it. One day while skinning a poor peep alive he accidentally dropped him into a vat of preserve. The poor wee thing was paralyzed. Staring blankly into space. Unable to move or twist or squirm it just watched. Watched as the massive, unwashed, mouth of the beast bit down and severed its little head…

Ick.

So there you have it the beginning of the peeps.

But that is not were the story ends. Those little fellows that escaped early on have finally gathered their forces. Slowly, diligently, they have infiltrated our very homes, our schools, and our public offices. They are everywhere. Using the addictive properties to control us, They have found a means to bring about the end of humanity and the new age of Peeps! No longer a peaceful, song singing bunch of aliens, they are a force to be reckoned with. It is they who persuaded our scientist to create the nuclear bomb. The fallout of which they can easily survive along with their Plutonian brothers the Twinkies. They have persuaded our media to put on shows like, Seventh Haven and Saved by the Bell. Shows so horrid the brain activity literally stops for the hour they are on causing the slow deaths of all who watch them. But their worst crime against humanity will begin I seven days. This is when they will unleash the ;jaoes9uv ;tajes;tgo9aj9msvp9erp9ep9cr8

I am dreadfully sorry but the writer of the email above has suffered from a sharp blow to the hea…I mean a headache and will be unable to continue with this email. Please ignore anything that you have read and please, don’t forget to have your television sets and or radios turned on next Tuesday for a twenty four hour period…and ignore any sharp blinding pain you may feel during this periods.

Thank you.

Dr. P. E. Ep Sr.

United Council of Peep Awareness

A Late Night Letter

So another beautiful day has passed. A moment in the history of time. As this big blue-green ball of mud spun about the universe around a multi-zillion watt light bulb (imaging the electric bill god gets every month) I sat starring blankly at the true opiate of the masses, television. Oh do not get me wrong I did other things with my day. Just none more exciting than sitting on my ass letting the beams of red, blue, and green burn pretty little images of the things to buy! Buy!! Buy!!!

So now you wonder "so? Why tell me?" well, this is more of an early late night attempt at building creative energies.

Besides, the cancer causing rays of the boob tube bored me so now I bask in the night light illumination of the soon to be destruction of man kind (the following is best read with someone behind you going "bom bom bom BOOOOOM)….the internet!

Yes, destruction of mankind. Break down of interpersonal social skills. Introduction of once vaccinated diseases into an immune deficient, from lack of sun and exercised, people. Economic dependency on an infant network of out of date phone lines and low cost computer systems.

Yes indeed. The world is going to end due to our new found friend…the internet (previous sound effect optional this time). So until then I shall make my living from it.

Oh well, enough BLAH BLAH BLAHING. Creative juices just not kicking in here so me and my ADD will go and run around the apartment in my Tigger boxers chasing my two mentally unbalanced cats for a bit.

Till next time….ow! don’t bite my toes…later

Chris

Particles

I am standing at the checkout counter of a grocery store. There, swaying on the taunt string to the music of artificially cooled air is a balloon. Inside that balloon are millions and millions of tiny particles dancing a chaotic dance obeying dogmatic laws we have not yet created. Each stead fast in its direction until it meets another. Then, in an instant, sometimes gently, sometimes with a smash, their path is forever changed. This locomotion plays on and on even after the tiny little specs of elemental mud escape the bondage of their world the balloon.

"$18.72"

I look down from the universe of bouncing helium to the somewhat plump face of a young lady.

"Your total is 18.72"

I smile and pull out a one hundred-dollar bill and lay it on the counter. As she takes the cleverly designed piece of legal tender I notice a slight scar on her hand and wonder what group of confined particles did that. And why.

"Do you have a food lion card?"

"I do. Somewhere. I am just not sure where."

She takes her card out from under the register and rings it in. Electrons fly their way and make a -.79 appear on a little black screen in front of me.

"Your total is 17.88."

"Thank you." I smile and she smiles back. I gather my bags and leave.

Sometimes the change in direction is little. Sometimes big. But the particles keep going on their merry way.

Fairy Tale Start

Chapter One

She could still taste the sweat of the girls thighs on her lips as she quietly slid into her blouse. Myra had a knack for finding her cloths in the dark without making a sound. She surveyed the single room studio apartment one last time for anything she might have missed, she hated that next day phone call for a missing earring or pants. confident she had everything she slipped up next to the beautiful naked girl snoring gently on the bed. The covers had made their way to the far side of the room, possibly in fear of being shredded in the nights activities. The girl’s….sandra….cassandra…yes cassandra’s foot propped against the headboard and a glistening line of drool on her lips. Though that most likely wasn't drool on her lips Myra thought with a slight roll of her hips as she remembered. Myra smiled and leaned down to gently kiss the girl, so slightly as to not wake her, before leaving.

This was how the night always ended. No matter how much she wanted to just curl up next to her lover, whether it was an olive skinned goddess like cassandra or the lanky lean frame of Kevin, she never could. She always tingled from head to toe afterward and her mind screamed at her to escape.

The brisk night air was exhilarating as she stepped into the pre dawn morning. Cassandra did not live in the best part of new york, a six story walk up just between the tourist welcoming lights of china town and the ever inviting bakeries in little italy. The musky confined stairwell of the building seemed to close in on her as she quickly slid down the steps. She closed her eyes for a moment to let the cold autumn air wash over her. She never felt dirty after a night like last night. but this always had a way of making her feel fresh.

She slung the thin strap of her purse across her shoulder and started making her way north to the subway. She doubted that she would make it home before three but her first client wasn't until ten AM so enough time to get rested.

Even this late she was not alone on the streets. A too thin vietnamese dishwasher stood outside a chinese restaurant with a fresh cigarette. A young couple pressed together were making their way away from the subway entrance. Myra loved how the city was always moving no matter the time or weather.

She bounced down the stairs of the subway and slid through the turnstile. The station was nearly empty except for a bundle of breathing clothes piled on the far bench and a young black man with over sized knock off headset that leaked a thumping base line across from her.

Myra’s dad had always made her pay attention to what is around her. Always noting who was where and what the were doing. And most important if they had noticed her. She could never walk down the street with her headset in. Never read a book on the train. She always paid attention the people around her which may be why she had become such a great photographer.

The meeting tomorrow. A wedding shoot. She hated weddings. The brides always wanted to look like a princess on a paupers budget and the groom always tried to hint at a “honeymoon” session. But it paid the bills and she had a knack.

The pile of clothes stirred.

Mrya guessed that the young man was getting off of his shift. His shoes had thick souls with a line of geese and distinct wrinkles in his shirt from an apron tied to tight.

And there was a whiff of…meat.

The cloths were now on the ground in front of the bench. odd.

Maybe he worked at a butcher shop.

Myra looked around but the station was otherwise empty. She pulled out her phone. 2:24 am. The train should be her in ten minutes.

No, not fresh meat. Like raw meat that you forgot you were defrosting. She decided to make a note not to go to any markets in this neighborhood.

There was a low rumble from the subway tunnel that took her by surprise. She glanced back at the young man who was still rocking his head slightly to the repetitive base line. Eyes closed and completely unaware. Down the station she looked at the pile of cloths…

That were gone.

There was no exit on the other side of the station. Nothing had walked past her. She stiffened her back and sat on the edge of the bench. Her legs tighten under her at the ready to make a quick bolt to the entrance.

She took a deep breath. It was late. She still had the taste of cassandra on her lips and the thrill of the night was making her jumpy. But she didn’t relax. the rumble became louder. She glanced at the phone. The train was five minutes early. Thank god because this night was getting creepy.

Myra’s smile dissolved. She thought, the trains are never early.

Three thick fingers the size of a man’s forearm clamped down on her shoulder and lifted her up and over the bench as a deep throated voice gurgled.

“this one smells tasty”.

The station rolled around with the neon lights leaving streaks of green-white in her eyes. The young man with the ever bobbing head spun before her eyes upside down. As the darkness of the tunnel engulfed her and the rumble of the upcoming train drown hear senses she thought.

“take off your stupid fucking headphones you idiot”.

Chapter Two

Myra opened her eyes. Well, she thought she had opened her eyes. they felt open but everything was still black. No. A speck of light bobbed nausiatingly away from her. Her brain was pounding to escape the pain in her head with a rythmic thump thump thump and refused to help her locate her limbs. When she finally regained some control she realized that she was slumpped over a slab of meat the size of a horse and being carried further into the darkness. She tried to scream but the air in her lungs kept being press out of her with each thump thump thump and the lumbering giant carried her.

Something was wrapped around her lower back and holding her down. Not tightly but with the firmness of heavy steal that had no intention of being bent or moved in any way. She tried squirming but the grip neither tightened or loosened in any way.

"Meat smells good, Grood did good this night" bellowed the beast.

Myra Lifted her arm and timed the blow on the rise of the step. Her elbow found the base of the neck with a sharp meaty thump. The beast stumbled slightly and slung Myra across the cavern.

"Bad meat." Grood howled. More annoyed than hurt.

Myra lifted her aching body, her eyes finally adjusting to the dark and see the... for lack of any better work she could come up with...Troll. It was completely naked and stood at least Eight foot tall. Muscle layed upon muscle that would defy any anatomy textbook. The most striking feature though was the massive tree trunk cock that dangled between the trolls legs with balls the size of cantalop...and there were three of them