The Strike
oday I woke to discover that the world decided to shift ever so slightly more out of whack than normal. This discovery was initially found out when my right arm and my left arm, neither being very happy with their place in life, decided to switch sides.
Photo originally by: Thomas Edwards
Today I woke to discover that the world decided to shift ever so slightly more out of whack than normal. This discovery was initially found out when my right arm and my left arm, neither being very happy with their place in life, decided to switch sides. This may not have been a big deal because I am ambidextrous, yet, did pose quite a problem because they ended up facing the wrong way. To my pleasant surprise however, it did make for much easier back scratching.
I am presently in negations with these appendages to return to their god given posts. Their demands are rather high. The left arm is requesting daily massages from a playboy playmate. I have informed him that this request is considered sexist and no court in the country would uphold his request. The right arm is demanding a tattoo of the arm-n-hammer logo, his personal hero.
This does not bood well for the remainder of my appendages. Rumor has it that my legs and ears are considering a time share situation.
A Warning
Please. This is of vital importance! We are about to become under attack. Yes attack! Our ultimate demise is near at hand unless we prepare ourselves now. Who is attacking? Why? How? When? And do I have enough time for one more quick game of solitaire? These are the questions I am sure you are asking yourself. To answer them let me start at the beginning:
This is a repost from something I wrote nearly 20 years ago.
Please. This is of vital importance! We are about to become under attack. Yes attack! Our ultimate demise is near at hand unless we prepare ourselves now. Who is attacking? Why? How? When? And do I have enough time for one more quick game of solitaire? These are the questions I am sure you are asking yourself. To answer them let me start at the beginning:
Several million years ago, I am not exactly sure when. Hey I have enough trouble remembering my anniversary with my girlfriend…but I digress…several million years ago a peaceful alien race landed on earth in the area we now call Italy. Their mission was to make contact with the local inhabitants and ask to borrow some sugar (their need for sugar will become apparent soon). As it would happen these tiny little fellows went on searching for locals, possibly while signing a revoltingly cute song. When to their horror a stampede of hairy, smelly, bipeds came charging towards them. At first these defenseless little creatures thought that the ugly looking mammals where rushing to greet them. But alas no. They were chasing after a hopping ball of fur. During this horrid display of bad motor skills and grunting one of the large beasts fell on top of the heroic band of little aliens. When he stood up again he noticed soft little yellow splotches all over his butt. He pulled off one and after smelling it (as the males of this species often does) he shoved it into his mouth (also another little habit that the female of the species finds rather disgusting). And found that it was sweet and tasty. He then began eating all the little aliens. Even as they squirmed for freedom the human chopped down on their little heads.
They cried out in vane only to say…
PEEP. PEEP.
And so the little marshmallow Peeps were introduced to humans.
But that is just the beginning. As the human finished the last peep that was stuck to his ass his craving increased. And he searched for more. Alas, he found a lone survivor. In an effort to save its own life the Peep began miming to the human beast that he could make more. Little did the Peep know the hell he was creating for himself. But do have some pity on him. He did just watch his friends, his brother, and his great uncle Peep, twice removed (and once beheaded) get eating alive by a giant mellow-less mass of human.
After several hours, and a great deal of "Peeping" the little fellow explained the breeding process of the peeps. Sugar…water…etc…stir and voila…PEEPS. All you can eat. And that was a lot. So the human took the little fellow captive and in his cave began making more…and more. At first the little peeps were feisty and would run away (creating an underground peep rescue operation that still runs today). So the human began experimenting with a method of paralyzing the peeps. He would squish them, crush them, burn them, boil them. Nothing worked to his satisfaction. But then he found it. One day while skinning a poor peep alive he accidentally dropped him into a vat of preserve. The poor wee thing was paralyzed. Staring blankly into space. Unable to move or twist or squirm it just watched. Watched as the massive, unwashed, mouth of the beast bit down and severed its little head…
Ick.
So there you have it the beginning of the peeps.
But that is not were the story ends. Those little fellows that escaped early on have finally gathered their forces. Slowly, diligently, they have infiltrated our very homes, our schools, and our public offices. They are everywhere. Using the addictive properties to control us, They have found a means to bring about the end of humanity and the new age of Peeps! No longer a peaceful, song singing bunch of aliens, they are a force to be reckoned with. It is they who persuaded our scientist to create the nuclear bomb. The fallout of which they can easily survive along with their Plutonian brothers the Twinkies. They have persuaded our media to put on shows like, Seventh Haven and Saved by the Bell. Shows so horrid the brain activity literally stops for the hour they are on causing the slow deaths of all who watch them. But their worst crime against humanity will begin I seven days. This is when they will unleash the ;jaoes9uv ;tajes;tgo9aj9msvp9erp9ep9cr8
I am dreadfully sorry but the writer of the email above has suffered from a sharp blow to the hea…I mean a headache and will be unable to continue with this email. Please ignore anything that you have read and please, don’t forget to have your television sets and or radios turned on next Tuesday for a twenty four hour period…and ignore any sharp blinding pain you may feel during this periods.
Thank you.
Dr. P. E. Ep Sr.
United Council of Peep Awareness
Particles
I am standing at the checkout counter of a grocery store. There, swaying on the taunt string to the music of artificially cooled air is a balloon. Inside that balloon are millions and millions of tiny particles dancing a chaotic dance obeying dogmatic laws we have not yet created. Each stead fast in its direction until it meets another. Then, in an instant, sometimes gently, sometimes with a smash, their path is forever changed. This locomotion plays on and on even after the tiny little specs of elemental mud escape the bondage of their world the balloon.
"$18.72"
I look down from the universe of bouncing helium to the somewhat plump face of a young lady.
"Your total is 18.72"
I smile and pull out a one hundred-dollar bill and lay it on the counter. As she takes the cleverly designed piece of legal tender I notice a slight scar on her hand and wonder what group of confined particles did that. And why.
"Do you have a food lion card?"
"I do. Somewhere. I am just not sure where."
She takes her card out from under the register and rings it in. Electrons fly their way and make a -.79 appear on a little black screen in front of me.
"Your total is 17.88."
"Thank you." I smile and she smiles back. I gather my bags and leave.
Sometimes the change in direction is little. Sometimes big. But the particles keep going on their merry way.
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